Last time, I delved into some of the industry insights I picked up at the Romance Writers of America National Conference, and specifically, I shared results from three sessions that were open only to PAN (Published Author Network) members. However, those weren’t my favorite workshops at the conference.
The session I enjoyed the most was a special session over breakfast one morning with Dr. Valerie Young. Dr. Young is an expert on the “impostor syndrome” and is the author of The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Impostor Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of It.
(She noted that men can also suffer from impostor syndrome, but it tends to be more common among women because society often hasn’t valued women with confidence (and many other reasons). That said, she also pointed out how writers of any gender are especially susceptible due to the subjective nature of our work.)
Her presentation was so eye-opening that I want to share some of her insights…
How Do You Define Competence?
How would you complete this sentence? I’ll know that I’m good enough when…
At first, the definition of competence can seem like a straight-forward question. Competence is not screwing up, right? *smile*
But when we dig deeper, we can see the problems inherent in our definition. Are we never allowed to make a mistake? Do we have to be perfect?
Or let’s go even deeper:
- Do we think we should be able to do X without help?
- Do we expect that if we were truly competent, we’d never struggle?
In writing terms, do we think…?
- “If X doesn’t come naturally to me, I must not be a real writer.”
- “I wouldn’t need brainstorming help if I were more creative.”
- “I bet a real writer wouldn’t struggle with Y (commas or characters, plots, themes, whatever).”
- “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve just been lucky so far.”
- “If I can write a book, it’s not really as hard as everyone thinks.”
- “Forget the positive feedback, that critique had it right. I’m a fraud.”
Our definition of competence is one of the building blocks for how we feel about ourselves. If we think any of those thoughts above, we can set ourselves up for feeling shame—even when we don’t do anything wrong.
Do We Internalize or Externalize Our Struggles?
When being a natural genius at everything and never having to struggle is our barometer for competence, we will suffer. Everyone struggles with something (or many somethings), makes mistakes, and fails occasionally.
However, when faced with the fact that we’re not superhuman, how do we react?
- Do we externalize the issue? “Yep, X is hard. But I’m going to keep at it and try to improve.”
- Or do we internalize the issue? “Obviously, I’m not cut out for this.”
How Do We Protect Ourselves from Shame?
If we internalize our struggles, mistakes, or failures, we’re more likely to take action to protect ourselves. These actions “work,” but they have a price.
Common “protection” techniques include:
“Fly under the Radar”
If we never put ourselves out there, no one will see our struggle. No one will witness our mistakes, our delusion that we could be a writer (or whatever).
In practice, this might mean that we…
- hold back from asking for feedback
- never query, submit, or release our story
- don’t reach out to other writers, etc.
Procrastination
If we put things off until we run out of time, we give ourselves a built-in excuse:
- “I could have won that contest, but I forgot about the deadline.”
- “I know I did a crappy job on X, but that’s because I didn’t have enough time to do a better job.”
Never Finish a Project
If we’re always “in process,” we have an excuse for not putting ourselves out there:
- “I can’t query my story yet. I’m still not happy with X.”
- “I don’t want to send my story out to my beta readers until I figure out how to fix Y.” (We could instead let others help us figure out that fix.)
Self-Sabotage
If we think that would be better to aim low than to risk humiliation, we’re holding ourselves back from our potential. Or we might try to lower others’ expectations about us:
- “My dream agent has lots of big name clients, so she’s out of my league. I’ll query these other agents instead.”
- “I don’t deserve X, so I won’t even try.”
- “I know my accomplishment sounds impressive, but I was just lucky. I’m not actually that good.”
How Can We Change?
I don’t know about all of you, but I could relate to several of those examples. *smile*
The feeling that we’re a fraud who’s just fooling everyone, that we’re out of our league, or that we don’t deserve something causes havoc with our potential. We’re more likely to not put our work out there, or to “play it safe” when we do.
That means we’re robbing the world of our insights, our stories, our perspectives. We’re robbing the world of the opportunity to connect with us—and our work.
So the next question is, how do we change? How can we overcome these false beliefs (yes, just like our characters’ journeys)?
Step One: Acknowledge What Those Protections Cost Us
The problem, Dr. Young pointed out, is that those protective techniques work. They prevent us from suffering humiliation or shame or rejection or whatever.
However, they have a steep price. They hold us back from our potential.
During the session, Dr. Young had everyone write out some of the costs of those protective actions on our life, both external and internal.
For example, if we’re afraid of others not liking our work, and we don’t put ourselves out there, we’re not going to have as much feedback, reviews, success, etc. We might make less money than we could by taking the risk of reaching out to others. Less money might lead to less support from our family for us to follow our dream.
Internally, those worries can cause stress or depression. Or we could feel like a failure for not being a bigger success.
Just like our characters—when they need to metaphorically look in the mirror at the story’s midpoint to see what the future holds—we need to see the real cost of our actions. And just like our characters, that knowledge might help us make better choices. *smile*
Step Two: Stop Thinking Like an Impostor
This step sounds easier said than done, but really, this means that we should cut off those impostor thoughts. Sure, we’ll probably still feel like an impostor, but feelings follow thoughts, and we have to stop the thoughts first.
Those with impostor syndrome often live in fear of being “found out.” We fear that, even when things go right, someone will figure out we’re a fraud, just fooling everyone. That if people knew the truth about our struggles, they’d know we didn’t belong.
We dismiss our accomplishments as luck and treat criticism as the truth. We see all the ways we fall short from perfection. But those thoughts aren’t reality, and we can’t let those echo endlessly in our skull like a drumbeat of shame.
We might need our family or friends help us see the other side, but it can be done.
In our mind, people are judging us for what we don’t have. In reality, people see what we DO have and celebrate that.
— Brittany Josephina (@brittanyphina) July 10, 2016
Step Three: Reframe Our Thoughts
We can get rid of some of the harmful messaging in our head. Words like should, always, or never prevent us from cutting ourselves any slack.
We’re going to make mistakes, and that’s okay. We’re allowed to make mistakes. We have the right to make mistakes. In fact, we’re entitled to make mistakes.
They’re going to happen no matter what we do, so we may as well turn them into something positive. We can try to make those mistakes or failures interesting or a learning experience.
Our rejections shouldn’t end with a sense of shame. Instead, we can be disappointed and yet willing to try again.
We reframe our thoughts all the time as we learn new things. The whole publishing industry has reframed self-publishing from a stigmatized vanity project for losers to a valid publishing option that is more successful for many authors.
So we can do the same as we learn about what’s holding us back, what it’s costing us, and what we’d like to do differently. We can start by redefining competence.
We can acknowledge that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to…
- not know everything and still be on the learning curve,
- ask for help or information that will help us learn,
- not be equally good at everything (writing, queries, marketing, etc.),
- have off days or an off book, or
- be afraid and lack confidence in any of this. *smile*
Step Four: Fake It and Keep Going
We likely won’t believe any of these reframed thoughts. Again, feelings are the last thing to change. But even if we don’t believe it, we can still think it, and we can still take action to overcome those protective actions holding us back.
Self-doubt is normal. But self-doubt that immobilizes us from taking action or moving forward isn’t healthy, so we need to put limits on those thoughts.
It’s important to point out…
We feel like an impostor because
we’re pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zones.
If we were truly “playing it safe,” we wouldn’t pursue our writing dreams. We can turn that willingness to push ourselves into a benefit. Each thought we reframe gives us a new challenge, a new way of moving forward.
Right now, the protective actions we’re taking hold us back for the duration. If we can cut off our impostor syndrome feelings after a week, a day, an hour, or a minute, that’s an improvement. And eventually, we might believe the truth that the world needs us. *smile*
Do you suffer from impostor syndrome? What form does it take in your life? What protective actions do you fall back on and what do those cost? What thoughts can you reframe in your mind? Do you have any other insights to share?
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